william

it's been a long time since i've had to deal with someone like you

whereas before i would have reveled in your lofty language and attempt to connect the universe

now i just lay back and think "how long until you stop telling me things i should believe or understand in your terms, so i can talk about my wallet and spine?"

you really feel that in describing the universal rules to me you are helping me but i only listen when you say what helps you, the second you presume you can exert influence on me in a positive fashion, i am no longer receptive

i know what is right for you, He is right for you! He is right for all, and to most this is a despicable line, no one wants to read what i have to say. what i must say, the thing i neglect in every conversation. when you tell me all roads lead to Rome i should tell you that all roads were created by Him and nothing matters past that. so am i a hypocrite? maybe so, but i am

forgiven!

how did i let it come to this

how did i let it come to this, why am i here, slithering in the dirt as the serpent, coming to you and begging for scraps of your love. why am i the shitty dog that follows you around and nips at your heels. but i am physically ill when you remove yourself from me, when you remove me from your thoughts i cannot roll out of bed and everything tastes like shit. i will moan in the dirt for the rest of my days and sleep in the cold cold pines until you warm me once more.

me and captain z

me and captain z set out for our two hour tour and i'm only subsiding on a sparse diet of rc cola and fish oil, it will take me some ways from you and the trouble we've caused, i have no reason to suspect that you are motivated by anything but logic, as am i. but how could i see it any other way? i cannot peer into any heart, maybe even my own, this is a skill i hope to acquire some day. and on that day i will be able to tell you all the right things. but for now i'm going to hang out on the shitty boat i rode in on and either way i love it here, but with you i love it everywhere

call me Sophocles because there has never been a more paralyzing tragedy

old green man

call me jealousy because when i see you go anywhere else i cringe. i must distract myself with young girls and gin, this is not a time to celebrate: this is a time to pound my fist and run my hands through my hair, searching for anything that could stress me out more than your absence. the only possible thing is to clutter my mind enough to push you out, if only for an hour or two. lose my head to gain it. lying to myself to keep from doing something important. i allow myself to be distracted so i don't make our lives better far too soon.

Don't Do It

don't do this
don't fucking cuckold me again, again and continually
i hate the men you choose because they are not me
i hate that i haven't done anything yet
that i never will that i am the problem
that there is a thing one could do to change
i could change some things and be with you
i want to change those things. lose myself in gaining you
can't you see that i will do it?
i will sacrifice all necessary while they are simply concerned with convenience??
don't you know?
why won't you let me in?
i don't even know what to tell or ask you.

TAKE IT

spend all day doing as everyone pleases but END YOUR DAY LIKE YOU WANT IT TO

clear it

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray those dreams not return
if i experience thoughts and visions like last night, i shall never lay my head to a pillow again
instead i will use a rock, and if they still come-
i will bash my head against the rock to remove the spectacle from my brain
nothing i could produce of my hands could come near to the terror produced by my brain that night
i never want to see that again, to believe i'm capable of such
the fear grips me even now, at the possibility of a good night's sleep
a good night's sleep where i am engulfed in the dream.
a macabre fantasy NOT of my own design, but designed to own me
if it comes again i do not know what to do
if it comes again sleep is not an option ever again
if it comes again what does that mean for me please pray hard for me

misha

i don't know what to do around you. i never have
you're there in my dreams and you're there in my nightmares
some days i wish you'd leave me alone
and others i would not leave your side
but you sway as a leaf in the wind
make up our mind
you make me want to hide, hide away
deep in the woods where i can write and do as i please
everyone has told me that i need you
you can provide a necessary service
i am yet to see it but am partially certain that it exists
tell me soon or i will lose my mind and go away completely
but you would always be tormented by what could have been
because your eyes may be fully open or fully shut
but you put stock in those sorts of things

here we are again

here we are again
come on baby do your thing
sing your song
maybe i'll just play along
let's not dwell on the results
because you're talking to him again
i don't want to lose you and i can't
but who knows, sincerity is so rare these days
i place my hand on the Book, and that is all i know
and probably all i can trust