A 500 Pound Champ Steps Down

"Yokozuna" Said Bill, placidly, "Is the name for a grand champion in the Japanese professional sport of Sumo wrestling. Notice I use the word 'a' instead of the word 'the', this is because unlike in most organized fighting sports, there is not always a reigning champion. In fact, there have only been 69 Yokozuna since the sport's inception almost 300 years ago." I nod weakly and wipe the blood from my face and get back up. "So anyway. Few yokozuna come along. It takes a great deal of power to become one. Yokozuna receive respect every where they go, people know them and know what they've done to receive this respect. Don't you think I command this respect? I mean don't you think that I've done enough to stand out and be recognized?"

I seriously hate how he insists on blathering like this whenever we get together. "Yes Mr. Gates"

"One of the most recent and for a short time- loved yokozuna went by a name of Akebono, maybe you've heard of him? No? Well Akebono was one of a kind. He came from the US and wound up becoming a yokozuna, a rank which he held for a few years before retiring. After retirement, he just made a fool of himself. He tried to open a restaurant, then tried MMA. He got his ass kicked, 1 and 11. Terrible." I danced around a bit more and stuck out my arms. "So you see, this is why I have to do this."

So I hand him the extra-happy-funtime-super-value menu and the 500 lb. champ ducks out of the ring, smiling politely at the camera the entire way. I fall right on my back and sigh "Damnit, I'll never be able to contend with anything like that. Ever again." I really can't tell where he went from there, but I'll tell you he never got in the ring again.

Brass Hits the Floor / Shoulda Used Rubber

"Politics is Boring." Grinned the president, pointing the big Smith & Wesson right down my nose. I just grimaced and gripped my teacup a little harder. "Intense George." He interjected, "George was my Father, just call me 'Dubya'."

"What about Junior?"

"That was his son-"

He trailed off and kicked the Playstation to the side then pulled some brass out of his pocket and offered them. I glanced over at our forgotten game on the screen. Politely, I nodded but refused all the same. "I could paint this room cherry in a second like this. I mean this is fun, ya dig? Exhilarating, that's the word for it." I glanced down at my Encyclopedia for a moment and my eyes widened- no, opened. "George- RUBBER!" His eyes mimicked mine for a moment, but all too late. "Shit!" The gun went off, mine and a thousand others' plastered those beige walls. Then the bullet went right through his foot, letting out the most disdainful of sighs. Brass his the floor. "Shoulda used rubber..." earnestly. The next comment was directed towards me in the most g00d-natured of fashions. "And you my friend, should have used protection."

And with all that done, jr. hobbled right out the door

The Greatest Ride Uganda Never Had

"Did you know," began Amin, "that in certain parts of Africa, certain tribes would tie the ears of a condemned man to a pair of saplings?" I shifted the seatbelt and tried my hardest to make sense of it. "Drawn and... halfed?" They couldn't have used tigers or something? Seems kinda ineffective. He looked even more grave. "A little insensitive but I'll disregard that." The grand figure relaxed considerably even though we were nearing the apex. "They rigged it up in such a way that when the head was separated from the corpse, the sinner's last experience was weightless flight. Now permit me to ask: Is this not the most base of things? Or is it the most humane? Possibly both, but is that really morally feasible? If so, then your-our way-entire way of thinking would have to be remedied." My body lurched and began to lift up as the car began to plummet. I was about to tell my friend he was blathering but I noticed his hand resting firmly around his machete, laughing. The machete was Red. The ride only lasted another 40 seconds or so.

I looked at him head askew, "That was both more humane and less base than I had ever hoped. Quite the combination." He handed me a boquet of flowers and frowned.

"There are no roller coasters in Africa."
Nor have there ever been.